Never move to Maine for a man.

I wanted to settle down. I felt old, used, spent. After all, I was 19! At Sarah Lawrence College I met the man of my dreams: Michael Haynes. He loved Jean Genet, Rocky Horror, dressing in lingerie and drinking beer.

When a guy goes to Sarah Lawrence, there are only two explanations: either he's straight and thinks that with the advantageous ratio of girls to boys he has a statistically valid chance of getting laid, or he's gay! Unfortunately, a lot of boys who think they're the former, soon find out that they're the latter. For Michael, dating me was the perfect compromise!

During summer break, I moved in with him and his family in beautiful Bar Harbor Maine. Now the nearest airport is two and a half hours away in a little military town called Bangor. I got off the plane, and went to pick up my baggage. As I stood there waiting, a woman who reminded me of the guy who raped Ned Beatty in Deliverance, leaned over and said "you're a foreigner, ain't cha?" "Actually, I'm from New York" I replied. "Just like I figured. Foreign."

Bar Harbor has the only Woolworth's restaurant that has ever refused to serve me food because they said I was the wrong kind.... Somehow I found a job at a T-shirt store. Our biggest seller was a shirt covered in sheep that said "Ba-ha-ha Ha-bah".